An Open Letter Regarding Batfleck

Dear Warner Brothers (and the Warner Sister⁴),

I am writing to you regarding your recent controversial announcement to appoint Ben Affleck as the new Batman in the next Superman motion picture (it will be the sequel to Man of Steel in case you need clarification). Indeed, it is with a great deal of urgency that I write to you as I (and many others) are concerned. At best, it is simply a misguided decision. At worst, it is an act of terrorism that threatens global security and stability.

You might consider that latter claim to be hyperbole on my part, but I intend to explain the point. If, after reading this, you fail to amend your decision I will be consulting with powers above your station; potentially the United Nations or the FBI⁵, Interpol if I can find their mailing address.

Let us consider the man himself: Ben Affleck. This figure is known to be disliked publicly, just for the aura of smugness he exudes. There is also an element of innate jealousy instilled in Joe public in that he is impossibly good looking, always has a nice attractive young lady on his arm (or a “cracking bird” as they say around my way) and has criminally large amounts of money. Casting him in a massively popular role such as the character of Batman is going to have repercussions.

You may not be aware (although the non-stop parade of cartoons, comics and films implies otherwise), but Batman has a large following. In fact I would posit that the Caped Crusader is a religious icon. A lot more people would cite that they believe in Batman more than any god, and one British tabloid in particular has picked up on the fact that “Batmanism” seems to be a fascination “sweeping the globe”⁶.

Therefore, having a religious icon be played by someone so disliked could cause a worldwide Batman jihad. I need not mention the uproar caused when a Dutch newspaper printed a cartoon of Mohammed, or the subsequent South Park backlash. The people will simply not stand to see their icon tarnished! Although there will not be death in the streets due to the nature of Batmanism and what it stands for (i.e. no guns, and nobody dies), there will certainly be gangs of folks in hockey pads tying other people up and leaving them outside police buildings. The number of people jumping through warehouse skylights on to unsuspecting warehousemen will sky-rocket.

I implore you to reconsider the casting, as your current choice would be like casting Rowan Atkinson as Jesus in a film about the messiah. If I have not already swayed you to do so, here are some other facts to consider:

1. George Clooney was once cast as Batman in Batman and Robin way back in 1997 (incidentally, have you still not paid reparations for the damage caused by that film?). Clooney arguably has a very similar attitude and acting style to Affleck and, although it was not single-handedly his fault (Arnold Schwartzenegger, Chris O’ Donnell and the director Joel Schumacher helped), he almost killed off the franchise and created a black mark on the history of Batman that will never be expunged⁷. It is almost akin to the Nazis defacing historical artefacts of significance during the war⁸.

2. Ben Affleck has already tried his hand at portraying a superhero figure in the 2003 film Daredevil. Although the film admittedly had flaws that were not the fault of the leading actor, Affleck’s flaccid performance certainly did not help and only assisted the less than stellar reception audiences had to the picture. The best you can hope is that the majority of the viewing public has forgotten about this film – in honesty I had completely removed it from my mind until I was reminded by a colleague that the film existed and that, yes, it did actually happen.

3. Ben Affleck once took part in a popular viral video sketch called “I’m ****ing Ben Affleck” (I have taken the liberty of censoring an explicit word for decency). Surely you cannot be serious about letting a man who wantonly took part in a video of this nature become the symbol of justice? Think of the children!⁹

The fact of the matter is that, by intentionally making a controversial casting choice, you are inciting outrage from the public on purpose. Some might even consider this to be a declaration of war, and could be classed as an International Armed Conflict under the Geneva Convention¹⁰ (I am using a loose definition of “Armed” – in this case your weapons are your actors and directors, and what you do with them).

The appalling choice you have made to potentially spark an international incident is both irresponsible and selfish. Please reconsider your actions now, before it is too late!

Yours faithfully,

Sean Patrick Payne
Batfan and Hopeless Exaggerator